so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
