if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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