Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
