Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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