i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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