No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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