If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
