I'm going to jail i love you
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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