Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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