i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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