I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
