After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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