Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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