Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
