my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
