if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
