Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
