I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
