That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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