Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Can you bring me the toilet please
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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