we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
