in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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