I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
meet me or not, i'm out of control
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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