Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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