Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
