life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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