Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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