anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
