Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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