I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
