You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
