I met the friendliest cop last night
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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