I accidentally had phone sex last night
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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