If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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