ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
