Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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