My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
