I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
