I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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