My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
