Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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