2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
