OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
