I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
