i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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