Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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