Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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