I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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