I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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