we're chasing vodka with high fives
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
