after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
