census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
