I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
