we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
as a side note pls kill me
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
