Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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